bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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9.10.2003
from the dream of scipio by iain pears
throughout these pointless dalliances he was aware of a sense of avoiding something important, and his constant pursuits had less of the sensual and more of the desperate about them. for every time he was charmed or fascinated or smitten, he was made aware once more of part of him that was detached and that stood aside in disdain. he had no idea what he was looking for, except that he always knew that he had come close to unlocking a secret so deeply buried he might well have lived out his entire life without even suspecting its existence. it was why he was more than a little afraid of julia.
instead he occupied himself with those whom he could never be close to, or who could never be close to him, diversions high or low who had no interest in either his work or his pleasures. he invariably pursued those who were unattainable, married, or unlikely to regard him as anything other than a temporary entertainment. at one time he spent several months with a woman slightly younger than himself who worked in one of the great department stores that Rome was at last acquiring. when he bade a final farewell, he could not recall a single conversation he had ever had with her, not one remark that had struck him. afterward he seduced the wife of a notary a decade or so older than he was, listened carefully to her sadnesses and concerns, enjoyed her company, and took an odd pleasure at the necessary secrecy and subterfuge that enlivened an otherwise empty involvement. it was not insensitivity or cruelty that meant that, some months afterward, he could barely remember her name; both were of the moment, and their moment had passed.
he knew, of course, that not loving them was part of the attraction; julia was the only one to whom he had ever responded in that manner and with her he had held back.
23:15
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