bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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6.10.2002
carpe more diem?
for several entries and here and there i've been talking about mitch and how much i love mitch blah blah blah i talk about it so much i get tired of it myself. my dilemma: what do i do?! see, sometimes i meet people and even if i don't know them very well i feel very drawn to them and feel sad to lose them in my life. maybe it's an abandonment issue but sometimes i think there are very few exceptional people in this world that i get to meet and it's sad to let them go. it's not that i got to know mitch so well but more that there was this incredibly visceral reaction to him. there was this feeling that if i got to know him he'd be hella cool. sometimes first impressions go a long way and they usually do for me. (ok i also have to admit that i was DEEPLY attracted to him; that's part of the visceral reaction.)
now here i am trying to live my life in new york and i keep thinking about him. i don't think that we'd fall in love (as much as i'd like to) and the whole happily ever after business, but it's more like i just want to know him. i don't know if you (the collective you who don't read this) understand what that's like, to just want to be friends with people. i often get that feeling with people who are different from myself. my point here is that i want to DO something about this and that doing something entails something to the effect of writing a letter to mitch care of where he works and saying that i just want to be friends here's my email let's be friends. i have to be honest that in the back of my head i have ulterior motives but what usually happens in these types of situations for me is that after getting to know the other person s/he gets grounded into reality, turns into a normal human being like everyone else, and my feelings tend to go away. so then i must ask myself here what is the point?! because in the end i still get to know someone really cool.
so what's the problem you (who don't exist) ask? the problem is i feel stupid and pathetic. sure, he lives halfway around the world but is what i want to do inherently pathetic? i can disguise it as bold and daring, but is it just pathetic!? especially because i do feel a little badly about asking him out even though i knew he had a girlfriend (or "friend") and i feel that contacting him would be throwing a similar wrench at him. oh what to do? ether, i implore you to answer me!
23:43
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