bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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8.30.2002
back
back in this cramped city in my cramped apartment after nine rather luxurious days in a sprawling city with cheap, decent living conditions. all my friends, from the poorest to the richest (a fair spread) have apartments many many times the size of mine. poo poo.
i'm not rushing off to move to los angeles like i felt when i returned from down under, but am seriously considering it. i know, i'm crazy and -- what's the word for it? if you look two posts down i was writing about how weird l.a. is to me. and l.a. boys still give me the creeps but some of them are so gosh darn cute, especially some who are friends of friends in certain contexts and can be trusted. i'm still going to new zealand (and i say that with as much certainty as i can while no money has yet exchanged hands) so any fanciful daydreams about moving to los angeles are in the context of a year from now. but it's something to consider. i wouldn't live there for the rest of my life, i don't think, but for a few years, it could be a good thing.
but i have a lot of mixed feelings about it. i left l.a. in the first place to go some place different because it seemed that staying after graduation was the easy thing. and it seemed like everyone was going into the same inner-city missionary type program (servant partners) and it was, in the words of a friend, lemming-like. (not that i want to trash servant partners because it does do great things but there are other cities and other people and other things to do as well.) so would going back be like giving it? it'd be easier, i think, to hang out with old friends than meet new ones and make a new community someplace else (say, NYC, for example). but the fact i discovered this week is that all those people i think have some sort of nirvana of friendship going on in southern california don't see each other all that much. it just seems they do because they tend to get together when i'm in town. and as they're started to get married and more set in careers or whatever, lives start getting even more separated and it's basically just weddings (and given enough time, funerals too). oh so sad.
i think the fix all for this is to find someone in new zealand to marry and forge my own way. perhaps. my first few days in LA, i kept thinking about how much i loved new york. the thought occurred to me as i was leaving, and emphasized by when the plane took off from newark airport and i could see the city, the city unlike anything i had ever seen.
i'm fickle. that's the word i was looking for.
02:19
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