13> Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.

12> First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.

11> Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.

10> The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.

9> The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.

8> The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.

7> Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.

6> Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.

5> Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.

4> Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"

3> You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.

2> Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.

       and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...

1> Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?