bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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9.25.2002
email
Yet, I fully understand what you are going through. And I don't want to give you advice or anything but perhaps I can share some stuff that I went through? Because I think I have totally been through very similar things.
I have learned that I love the attention of boys, especially after 20-something years of very little of it. I have learned that what I crave is to feel attractive, though sometimes it's more than that. I have learned, too, that I usually do what I want at the moment, even if it is sinful, and have learned to live with the consequences, which usually involve some combination of heartache, misery and depression. :) I have learned that it is possible to learn from mistakes and make the same ones over and over again. And that I can totally take a brief interaction with a genuinely nice guy and paint him to be this amazing person who can fulfill my needs in many many ways. But in the end, the guy is probably just as bad as the worst and he can't fulfill me in the way I need to be fulfilled.
And that is in my relationship with God. I know that I completely need someone who is going to help me pursue God. I can dilly-dally with all the boys along the way but unless they have a similar faith as I, it'll never be right and it'll never work out. I think this is what I have learned.
I have also learned that once boundaries are crossed, it is incredibly easy to cross them again. And yes I'm talking about physicality. And it makes getting over guys a lot harder and makes my emotions more intense and oftentimes misguided. I find that I care about guys more than I really do only because I have been naked and vulnerable with them, even tho' there is a logical corner of my brain shouting out for me to see the truth. And sometimes I feel dirty and pathetic. And it makes me feel loved, or at the very least, liked. But in one relationshp in particular, it made me someone I didn't want to be, someone who was willing to compromise my ideals, someone who was willing to compromise love.
I don't know if this makes any sense; I have thrown them down in this email and it is quite late (or early) and I'm quite exhausted. I pray that they make sense to you and at the very least, can help you understand some more about what you are feeling. God really does love you and that really should be enough, as hard as that is to experience. Trust me, I speak out of sinfulness.
01:21
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