bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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9.27.2002
passings
miles dabord was taken off of life support yesterday in the company of friends and family. sad. my prayers and thoughts are with them and miles and i pray that he is now at peace.
a friend emailed me yesterday. he is off to kyrgyzstan -- a country whose name i can barely pronounce -- for two years as a peace corps volunteer. in essence, this guy is going to fall off the face of the earth for two years. it's like he's going to fall off and then two years later come back on. weird to me. i hope he brought lots of long underwear.
09:54
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my worst nightmare
can you imagine 15,000 bees living relativly benignly in your wall? ugh! the buzzing would make me crazy! a family in hollywood had such a situation and they hired a professional to remove them. this is nuts. you need to see the extent of the honeycomb. UGH!
03:08
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9.25.2002
misc
being sick sucks. it's like i'm looking at the world through a large vat of green gooey snot. makes writing and thinking hard.
i've decided that i don't stalk people, i don't obsess about people. i just do "due diligence" on them. oh me so witty. google=due diligence.
i had some other witty things to share with you but first of all, you don't exist and i think they went out of my head with the last bunch of snot i blew out.
23:54
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i'm sorry, i'm not korean
ha get this! here is an article i wrote translated into chinese. the language of my people!
23:26
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email
Yet, I fully understand what you are going through. And I don't want to give you advice or anything but perhaps I can share some stuff that I went through? Because I think I have totally been through very similar things.
I have learned that I love the attention of boys, especially after 20-something years of very little of it. I have learned that what I crave is to feel attractive, though sometimes it's more than that. I have learned, too, that I usually do what I want at the moment, even if it is sinful, and have learned to live with the consequences, which usually involve some combination of heartache, misery and depression. :) I have learned that it is possible to learn from mistakes and make the same ones over and over again. And that I can totally take a brief interaction with a genuinely nice guy and paint him to be this amazing person who can fulfill my needs in many many ways. But in the end, the guy is probably just as bad as the worst and he can't fulfill me in the way I need to be fulfilled.
And that is in my relationship with God. I know that I completely need someone who is going to help me pursue God. I can dilly-dally with all the boys along the way but unless they have a similar faith as I, it'll never be right and it'll never work out. I think this is what I have learned.
I have also learned that once boundaries are crossed, it is incredibly easy to cross them again. And yes I'm talking about physicality. And it makes getting over guys a lot harder and makes my emotions more intense and oftentimes misguided. I find that I care about guys more than I really do only because I have been naked and vulnerable with them, even tho' there is a logical corner of my brain shouting out for me to see the truth. And sometimes I feel dirty and pathetic. And it makes me feel loved, or at the very least, liked. But in one relationshp in particular, it made me someone I didn't want to be, someone who was willing to compromise my ideals, someone who was willing to compromise love.
I don't know if this makes any sense; I have thrown them down in this email and it is quite late (or early) and I'm quite exhausted. I pray that they make sense to you and at the very least, can help you understand some more about what you are feeling. God really does love you and that really should be enough, as hard as that is to experience. Trust me, I speak out of sinfulness.
01:21
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more wah!
...and to add insult to injury, i am sick, sick as a dog.
00:42
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the perils of this profession
it's midnight and i have an article due in 12 hours and i have a really bad case of writer's block (and the munchies). WAH!
i was standing on the subway platform at 34th street waiting to go uptown to meet a friend for dinner. out of nowhere, this guy comes up and asks me about my shirt. in itty bitty letters on the back, it says "queenstown new zealand". "are you from queenstown," he asks in his cute antipodean drawl. "oh no" i say, completely giving the answer away. but we commence to chat for about 10 minutes and part ways at the same subway stop on the upper west side.
today, one of my professors brought in a guest speaker. he was my prof's book editor and lo and behold, he was australian.
quite the antipodean day, no?
yet this doesn't solve my writer's block issues. WAH!
00:09
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9.24.2002
self flaggelation?
here is an article i wrote that i'm really really proud of. really. i got lucky the way it all came together. i hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed learning about and writing it.
17:34
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holy shit!
the last night i was in new zealand, in auckland, i was working out in the hotel gym. i was tired and wanted to go home and the impending taekwondo nationals motivated me to work out. halfway through my workout, this large man came in and started working out too and then started talking to me. we chitchatted about the news that was on the tv and after some time, he invited me out to dinner. his motive was ambiguous but we went out for a nice meal.
he was an interesting guy. he had played basketball in europe and told me of a friend he made in italy when his car broke down. he told me of his travels and of his work as a contract computer programmer in san francisco. he told me how much he liked to fly and sometimes flew with his brother.
he also told me why he was in auckland. his brother, an ex-nba player who had played with michael jordan and had won a championship with him, bought a boat and was sailing it around the world and they were currently in auckland. they were at the hotel to watch a motorcycle race which they couldn't get from their boat, them being big fans of motocycle racing and all. in a few days, they were going to set sail for tahiti and hawaii and all sorts of other exotic locations and they had hired a crew to sail the boat.
it really was a nice night of conversation. we parted ways and he wished me luck on my competition and i wished him the best of travels. i never did figure out who his brother was since i'm not really a basketball fan.
today, i was reading my time magazine while i was waiting in line at the post office. the table of contents mentioned an article about "a former nba center mysteriously disappears", which then made me think of my aquaintance, whose name was miles. i get to the article and halfway through the first paragraph i realize that this is the guy!
bison dele was the name of the nba player. he and his girlfriend serena karlan and a professional yacht captain, bertrand saldo, were sailing from auckland and miles dabord invited himself along, time reports. they disappeared in papeete, tahiti, and investigators found blood and gunpowder residue on the boat, the hakuna matata, which had its name removed. an fbi manhunt located miles in a san diego hospital in a drug-induced coma. he had actually been found on the streets of tijuana, mexico, a few days earlier.
at the end of the times magazine article, bison's agent speculates that miles did it out of jealousy, even though bison provided a lot for him.
i know i only knew him for a few hours, but i did not get this impression in even the remotest way. miles to me seemed like a really nice, gentle guy. he told me about all the cool things that he did with bison. and, well, i would never have pegged him for a murderer, much less for one who did it for money. this is all very sad and my thoughts are with him and his family.
(you can find a link to another story on this here.
00:39
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9.23.2002
corroboration
see, they DO have plastic money!
14:13
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wasting time
i am quite addicted to this game. it's good. there are also lots of other good shockwave games at this site. try some if you want to waste time.
10:54
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9.19.2002
he's just so damn transparent
HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SEEKS SCIENCE ADVICE TO MATCH BUSH VIEWS
from The Washington Post, Sept. 17.
The Bush administration has begun a broad restructuring of the scientific
advisory committees that guide federal policy in areas such as patients'
rights and public health, eliminating some committees that were coming to
conclusions at odds with the president's views and in other cases replacing
members with handpicked choices.
In the past few weeks, the Department of Health and Human Services has
retired two expert committees before their work was complete. One had
recommended that the Food and Drug Administration expand its regulation of
the increasingly lucrative genetic testing industry, which has so far been
free of such oversight. The other committee, which was rethinking federal
protections for human research subjects, had drawn the ire of
administration supporters on the religious right, according to government
sources.
A third committee, which had been assessing the effects of environmental
chemicals on human health, has been told that nearly all of its members
will be replaced -- in several instances by people with links to the
industries that make those chemicals. One new member is a California
scientist who helped defend Pacific Gas and Electric Co. against the real-
life Erin Brockovich.
The changes are among the first in a gradual restructuring of the system
that funnels expert advice to Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy G.
Thompson.
11:43
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determination
today i decided that i enjoy wallowing in my emotions too much. i decided that i need to be not so pathetic about [him] because the truth is, well, it's not THAT big of a deal. he WAS really cool but guys are a dime a dozen and what i really like is feeling attractive and wanted. and that's sad because if that's all i want, well, there are plenty of guys on street corners hootin' and hollerin'. so i'm gonna try and get over it. it's just much too fun to think about him while i'm walking to class and whatnot.
02:19
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9.16.2002
:)
come to think of it, i'm just an obsessive person. what's so surprising about the last two posts? get over it!
17:16
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:(^2
then again, i was hung up on someone i knew for one hour...
16:04
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:(
how is it possible to be so hung up on someone i knew for four hours?
15:03
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from the trivial...
i love it when i buy new shampoo -- a brand i have never used or haven't used in a long time -- and my hair feels so clean and soft because the shampoo is new so there's no residue and whatever being left in my hair. and maybe, just maybe, i feel a little bit more feminine because of it. maybe i should just get some silky underwear...
10:30
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9.15.2002
insomnia
can't sleep. it's hot. but i refuse to turn the AC on.
i saw some girl giving head to some guy in a parked car. the street was fairly bustling; there were two bars across the street that were pretty busy. it was totally surreal. i mean, stuff like that is better reserved for deserted and desolate parking lots...right?...i guess?
this new zealand plan is almost in the bag. i got my passport photos taken and have my doctor's appointment tuesday. next weekend when i go home i'm going to fax my application in, which includes the payment information. and once it's paid for, well, who's gonna back out? then it's just a matter of the visas and plane tickets. i'm psyched. it's MY TURN for summer camp!
i've thought about living in LA and NY and Boston and a number of other assorted cities after i get back, although tonight NYC is leading the race. maybe i'll just live in a bunch of different places. that's kind of what i think i want to do, but i think the thing that lets me think this (are you following?) is the lack of a relationship. it's not that i want a relationship per se (although sometimes i do, quite honestly) it's just that being single gives me the freedom to do and go wherever i want. (cause who gives a shit about the ole parents?) i like that freedome. i think i'm afraid to give it up, and maybe that's one of my fears of dating. or maybe i'm destined for some terribly domestic and stable life and i have to get all the nomadic stuff out of my system now.
it's really really nice to have the 'd' key back on my keyboard.
04:50
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maybe i know now
i've partied all over the place: sydney, los angeles, new york, auckland, new orleans, boston, baltimore, the district of columbia, london, and dublin, to name several. and tonight, not for the first time, hoboken, new jersey. i think i've officially decided that new york city is my favorite place. it's easy to go someplace to just enjoy a beer and meet other people who are there to enjoy beers. that's what i enjoy. not the bumping and grinding types of places where the music is so loud you can't even hear each other scream. that's what i like; that's what i know now.
01:40
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9.14.2002
an ideaology?
i think i'm right.
if you disagree with me, i think you are wrong.
while i accept that cosmically i may be wrong,
that still doesn't mean i think you could be right.
19:24
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9.12.2002
mysteries
yes yes i know there's a lot we still don't know. but sometimes
it seems like mysteries are rare. there's this thing called the
voynich manuscript, which is written in a completly unknown language
and has an unknown origin. a brief summary and picture is here.
19:59
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9.10.2002
i remember the city more without the twin towers than with. i wasn't here long enough to have really painted in my memory where the towers go in the skyline. and i can't remember if they were visible from my neighborhood, but i vaguely recall that they were. i wish i could remember. instead, i can remember the cloud of smoke visible as i looked downtown on fourth avenue. and how at the end of that first day, the sun was setting and reflecting off that cloud in the most beautiful hues of red and pink and orange.
i can't believe it's been a year.
22:54
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even more humility
we had our first taekwondo team practice of the new academic year. ladies and gentleman, the national sparring champion on the team is the first to get injured. yes, i got kicked in the face today. actually, i guess that technically i didn't get so much kicked in the face as i punched myself in the face when i was holding this pad and some guy kicked it, just like he was supposed to, which then sent my hand flying into my chin. i think i knocked my jaw out of alignment and i'm going to have this nice, nasty bruise on my chin. there's already a bump. oh boy. this is going to be a long semester!
00:22
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9.09.2002
insignificant? not really.
a former high school classmate of mine who interned at time magazine has now published a book that has received some good reviews. the book, called "in the image", is even in the window of one of my favorite bookstores, st. mark's bookshop, which i walk by several times a day.
a current classmate of mine recently had his novel accepted by a publisher and he even sent out an email survey for its new title. that was kind of cool.
does this make me feel inconsequential? like i haven't done anything with my life? no. not really. empirically i am happy for their successes. i know that my life has had its share of successes and maybe that doesn't mean there are zillions of households who recognize my name and i don't have a book at some table at barnes and noble, but i have touched many lives and i have done many good things -- at 25 years. and i'm happy in that.
besides, with the sheer number of books that end up in remote shelves at the strand, at the very least i can be glad i'm not relegated to that fate. yet.
01:51
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9.08.2002
photo surprises
it's nice when you forget you've taken a picture because it was so long ago and maybe you had been drinking at the time. and then you pick them up and look through them and have a good giggle or outright laugh. and maybe the only thing left you have of some guy you met but is now gone forever are memories and a grainy, dark photo of his backside as he's stopping at a table to ask everyone in the bar if they want some butter. yes, that's right. butter. just butter. sigh.
18:31
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9.06.2002
slacker
my boss left early -- well, he left before me which is early since i overslept and came in late -- and now i bloggeth from work. heh.
the office here is huge. we have the entire 35th floor of this building near times square but it's EMPTY! we could fit probably about 50+ employees comfortably but I'd guess there no more than 15 in this office. and they're in the process of moving -- have been for months -- so everything is in boxes and it's just an ugly scene.
most of the people who work here are guys. until yesterday, after being here part time for several weeks, i had never been in the bathroom at the same time as someone else, which isn't so bad if you need a few minutes of paid privacy, if you know what i mean. but yesterday, twice there was someone else in there with me. CRAZY, huh? yeah i know.
yesterday i also got to interview someone in britain. i've never called britain before, i don't think. if i have i certainly don't remember that after every two or so rings, a woman breaks in and says in a dainty british accent, "we are trying your party. please hold. they know you are on the line," or something to that effect on a recording. it fits the british stereotype, no?
god i can't wait to go home.
16:39
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there's more to this world than google. really?
alternate search engines, courtesy of time magazine:
alltheweb: pretty good, will get better with time
kartoo: wins for style
teoma: wins for putting me before that thai actress
00:01
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9.05.2002
new love
obsessions don't grow over time. they happen spontaneously. at least to me. this guy is hot. i think i'm in love. move over steve.
23:05
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learn something
Chicago researchers find why uncircumcised men have more HIV
Research News Release : 4-Sep-2002
press release
A new study conducted by Chicago researchers shows that internal mucosal
layers of foreskin are more susceptible to HIV infection than cervical
tissue or the external layers of foreskin, which explains why uncircumcised
men seem to be at much higher risk for HIV acquisition than men who are
circumcised.
13:51
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mas humility?
this article on the bbc was regurgitated from a press release. i know because i did the same thing. however, her's is wrong in a few ways and basically fell into the trap of the press release. the asteroid came closer than 750,000 kilometers to 524,000 kilometers but the images taken by this team of happy press-releasing astronomers took their pictures BEFORE the closest approach. sheesh. people need to read more carefully.
then again, i take 18 hours to turn around a 300 words news story so maybe i'm the one who needs help.
12:45
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ahem
what does it mean when the pop-up ads on the website you work for, the one that pays you, annoys the hell out of you?
12:24
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don't read this
i'm going to win this contest that will send me to australia, new Zealand and the pacific as a travel writer. so don't read this and don't enter this. what's interesting is they are asking you to pay twenty bucks to join the contest. it's a deterrant, perhaps, so people aren't entering willy-nilly who aren't serious about it. at least that's what i tell myself.
tomorrow the nfl is having some kick-off show in times square. umm, hello, i work a block from there and i'm SO not going to be able to get to my subway. sniff sniff. oh woah is my life. heh.
i did it. email number two. i'm so fucked up.
01:25
(0) comments
9.04.2002
an old poem i wrote to a friend while i was interning at jpl countings mars rocks one summer
an odee
words strung together all in a row
some make sense and some
do not.
They can be like pearls on a golden chain
or
they can be like rocks on a martian plain.
Strewn all over without a pattern or a plan
(save to the eye of a geolig- or a scient-
-ist and the creator of rocks, Go-
d).
Nonsensical ones are fun and punny, sometimes,
poems, that is.
or are.
But the ones that are eloquent and beautiful,
artistic, if you will,
can be moving and bring tears to the eyes
as the words speak to the heart as the bow
of a violin virtuoso moves the strings of the
violin (and sometimes a viola or cello)
More frequently chosen words can be exchanged
to amuse and entertain.
Electrons bouncing off a phosphorous screen
form letters which form words,
sent across an invisible web of computerized
stations used for the advancement of
stuff.
wow. that was really 4 years ago. oh s***.
22:55
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humility
john mayer is just TOO good of a guitar player for me. i just looked up the chords for some of his songs and there's NO WAY i'm gonna get my fingers to go that way. and no way near fast enough to make a song out of those. i am not a finger contortionist.
22:44
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enterprise
i watch too much tv. i know.
but! this enterprise show, the new star trek series, it cracks me up and makes me wonder. first, they have this girl whose breasts are so fake they scream "foam padding". second, this episode makes me wonder because they are all on shore leave and half of them are spending the entire weekend with some hot, homo-sapien-looking member of the opposite sex. why does that never happen to ME?! when i go on vacation? okay, i don't really want that but it does make me wonder if this is a common occurrence.
that's all.
20:49
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cold turkey
no more. i'm stopping. completely. well, unless something really good comes up. i'm not posting anymore of the google results that produce this site because they're mostly dirty (even if they're funny -- and disturbing!) and it propagates the whole cycle. every time i use the words g-a-y and t-i-g-h-t-y w-h-i-t-e-y together it's just like i'm begging for the pervs to come. so no more. unless, like i said, i get something completely priceless.
16:15
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well i could have told you that
MRI studies provide new insight into how emotions interfere with staying focused
Research News Release : 19-Aug-2002
(press release)
Duke University researchers have shown how emotions such as fear or horror
travel along separate paths through the brain and are more likely than
simple distractions to interfere with a person's efforts to focus on a task
such as driving.
14:00
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creepy but beautiful
here is a pretty astronomy picture that is creepy yet beautiful.
back at the ol' internship. it was nice being on vacation.
09:56
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9.03.2002
the day draweth near
i have not shared my feelings about september 11 with anyone really. i have talked academically about the state of the world and the event and everything before and after. i have discussed the journalistic response to the events and taken in much media on them. but i have not shared my feelings with a single soul, in detail, really. tears have been shed and allusions have been made to the events and the impending anniversary but i have realized that i have suppressed my FEELINGS. this makes visiting the site, with a friend from out-of-town, very very difficult and illness-inducing. this makes the thought of staying in this city on the anniversary the last thing i want to do.
02:49
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ugh
i hate being marginalized.
i was walking somewhere today and this guy in some nasty SUV called out the window and said "hey sexy". i can't be sure he was talking to me because there was someone else around, but what the hell goes through these guys' minds? does he really think he's gonna get anywhere by "flattering" women like that and then having them go over to his car window like they're prostitutes? puh-lease. and gas-guzzling SUVs are so not attractive anymore anyways.
tonight i met a guy who walks through subway tunnels and checks for loose bolts. i'll write more about this later but that was immensely interesting and he was immensely interesting in the sheer straightforwardness of his job and his demeanor and, i can only assume, his outlook on life. this happened in the subway around 2 in the morning and it is to date one of the most interesting interactions i've had. (i do have to admit that i didn't initiate it; a friend i was with did. but the reporter in me saw a good story! hee.)
GOOD NIGHT!
02:44
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9.02.2002
a good article from the bbc on american waste. it's true. some of my closest friends are massive producers of waste. it's really disheartening.
03:17
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depression
reading the newspaper depresses me. it makes me angry reading about how self-righteous we americans are and how the rest of the world sometimes kowtows to us because we have the money and the nukes. grr it makes me so mad. instead of not reading the newspaper, i think i'll do the rational thing and move to new zealand.
in similar and not so similar news, i've just been turned on to the anna nicole smith show on E! oh jeez. she'd better start a trust fund for her son daniel's therapy. i have to admit, i am morbidly addicted to it. but you read it here: i wouldn't be surprised if one day we read about how kim killed anna nicole because "she didn't love her the same way". yet another reason to leave the country.
03:11
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9.01.2002
sleeping in
it's rainy out and the coldest it's been here in this city since i don't even know when the summer has been so oppressively hot and long. perfect sleeping weather because the light makes it seem like it's early in the morning all day long and if it's early, well, then it's okay to sleep. even tho' it's now one in the afternoon and i've only recently alighted from my bed, i guess i didn't really sleep that much since i went to bed at four thirty a.m. hmm...
my belly is still full from gorging last night on the upper east side. met up with some old friends and some of their friends and after eating at this latin restaurant, we went to serendipity 3, where that john cusack movie serendipity was partially filmed. A BANANA SPLIT AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD!
13:03
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