11.06.2002
almost mended
my pseudo-ex emailed me. pseudo b/c he was never really my boyfriend. the whole time we were together and i was giving him head, he never emailed me once. he emailed me today to gloat about the election results. he's a hardcore republican and i'm a democrat and we used to have partisan discussions about political topics. they were never very serious, i guess, although we both felt strongly about our party affiliations. but today i check my old email account and there's a gloating email from him, preceded by words conveying a sentiment of checking on and seeing how i was doing, since we hadn't spoken in a while.
the thing is, late last winter, i emailed him, after having an inconclusive phone conversation, saying that i didn't want to talk to him anymore. it was too painful and i needed to move on, and i was putting way too much of myself into him, given how not serious he was about me. "i'm a 22 year old guy and i want to be a 22 year old guy," he said. and that was that. but then he phoned in july, out of the blue, and i kind of freaked out. i was worried that something happened but when i called him back -- my cell was getting bad reception -- he was just saying hi. it was a very awkward conversation and i got the feeling that he didn't quite understand the 'well, this is goodbye' thing.
but that was july and it's now november. i've been thinking about him a lot because whenever i do taekwondo i think about him, and i've been wanting to check in on him, too, and tell him about my impending travels to new zealand. but for some reason, this email, as welcome as it should have been, has really put me out of sorts. i've been kind of funky and depressed all day. t.d.r. says he is thinking of the upcoming holiday season and his upcoming drive through nyc on the way to maine and the possiblity of a little hook-up-stopover. that makes me feel dirty. but maybe it's nicer than that. not that i'm going to go running back to him and what little he can offer. but it'd make me feel less dirty about things.
i don't like to play the game, but i'm going to here. he's just going to have to wait to hear from me. i'm thinking a week.
18:29
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bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
