bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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11.28.2002
full
i'm sooo full of food i think i can see it in the back of my throat in a mirror. it makes it a bit hard to sit down and bend at the waist, but it's thanksgiving and it's to be expected. 'tis the season to stuff yourself silly. i went home and spent a few hours with my family. not so bad this year. last year was far more miserable. but this year, i kept thinking about a boy. i realized today in the shower that if i started something, it would only last for no more than three weeks because he would leave for winter break. such is the problem of getting involved with boys who were born in 1980. ugh. i'm such a cradle robber.
for a moment i thought i was going to die when my parents told me that when i got back from new zealand i had to live at home. now, they are moving back to the house in which i grew up, which is a lot more convenient for getting to the city and a lot nicer of a house in general. but c'mon. we'd all go crazy living together. i tried to pull the whole, how am i going to meet a husband living in new jersey? heh. anything for grandkids, i swear. i think it's even why they're letting me go to new zealand. but really, it would make sense if they made me live at home b/c there's no way i'm going to make enough money. but wait, i realized, if they're going to buy a house for each of my brothers, they already said they would buy a condo in nyc for me. so nyah! and then my mom made a gesture to me not to listen to dad, and all was well in my heart again.
365 days until thanksgiving.
22:40
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11.25.2002
out with a bang
the last tournament of my inctl career...as a science journalism masters student anyhow. we were at cornell university for the weekend and, well, it was just fucking awesome!! overall our team came in third. and the three teams i fought on all earned gold medals! i had 8 fights -- 23 combined minutes of all out fighting -- and i went 8 for 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so fucking excited i actually threw my helmet up at the end of my last fight. i was just so thoroughly exhausted and elated. but i have paid a mighty price, some would say. i am bruised all over -- even my hands hurt. and i fought my nemesis and she back-kicked me in the crotch about four times. it hurts to stand up, i have ugly bruises on my arms and legs and hip. and all the other pain is masking my back pain, i think. but the feeling is pretty rewarding.
and it's good to end on such a high, i guess. it is certainly making me consider pursuing another degree just so i can fight on the team again!
02:24
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11.22.2002
bipolarity
maybe i can. or maybe they're real. either way, i'm acting on something and in the interwebworld somewhere is an invitation for coffee or something like it.
and in other news, why is height such a big deal?
this article of mine is killing me. i'm trying to investigate the application of evolutionary biology research to the real world and all i'm learning is that guys are pigs and have double standards. and even the guys that seem nice are pigs and have double standards. oh where oh where have all the nice boys gone? if they have a couple of nice things about them, is that enough? not blabbing. loving kids. all nice things. but what about the rest of the package? and i don't mean that in a physical sense. what is wrong with me? is it me or is it them? or is it me and where i meet them? you'd think the office would be such a harmless place. or a law school. but no! sheesh. meh.
03:04
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11.21.2002
you stupid fucking bitch
get over it, diana! you cannot retroactively justify a mistake and concoct feelings where once there were none, or nothing genuine besides lust. because i can wonder if it was the chicken or the egg that came first, whether physical beget emotional or emotional begat physical, but i know the truth. and the sad truth is that throwing myself out there, for whatever reasons i've justified it with in my head, is not what this moment calls for. i cannot create a friendship where one was not meant to be. i cannot keep up with these assholes. i must own up to my mistake, reckon with He who needs to be reckoned with, learn from it, be grateful, and move on. to better things, to promised things, and perhaps most urgently, to new zealand.
03:11
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11.19.2002
leonids
the meteor shower was this morning. i went to it to report on it. quite exciting. almost got hit by a taxi right outside my door, as i went to the corner deli to get some coffee. then nearly froze my patookies off there.
today they put the lights up on my street, in front and above all the stores. i remember how last year when they did that i totally fell in love with my neighborhood; made the holidays in new york city exactly as it is in the movies. now it just makes me sad that i'm going to leave the city. i'll be back.
i've decided that this time instead of hiding from my misstep and cower in anonymity, i'm going to grab life by the reins and face it. face him. but men are such pigs sometimes it's almost scary. makes me wonder if nice guys are putting up a front. i hope my next interview isn't as much of a bust as this one kind of was. ugh i feel so dirty after talking to them i think i need to take a shower.
23:00
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11.18.2002
descriptive writing assignment with some activism
The Beach
My friends back home are bundled up in wool and fleece and I am standing on the beach in Puerto Rico, sand and sea water lapping between my toes that were just starting their winter-shoe internment. The afternoon sun shines down and warms my skin like a soft, cozy blanket. In the distance I can see clouds forming, warning of the afternoon rains that are a regulare feature of tropical islands. But until then, we are enjoying the beach.
The salty water is warmer than the Jersey shore has ever been and ever will be. Hundreds of yards from where I stand the water is a clear aquamarine, like the beaches seen in endless postcards. But near to where we are swimming the water seems to be undergoing an algae bloom, which gives the water a brown tinge. The algae seems innocuous enough -- I can see fishermen working the same cove where we are playing -- but I can't but think of what could be causing the bloom. Pollution? Runoff? Global woarming? If the greenhouse effect is real, the water in the Caribbean Sea could rise a few degrees, a seemingly harmless and possibly beneficial side effect. But scientists don't know for sure what that change would mean. It could increase the frequency and intensity of hurricanes and disrupt the flow of water along the Atlantic seaboard. Algae blooms like the one I see could become more frequent, choking other marine life. Even the coral reefs could be harmed. I know they are hiding, with all their glorious bumps and divets and exotically shaped creatures, miles offshore from where I'm standing, under the cover of ocean.
But these thoughts wander from my mind as I begin to contemplate the immediacy of the serenity and beauty before me. The algae is harmless, I conclude, and it can no longer keep me from running into the ocean to drench myself in the blissfully salty and warm water.
10:51
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11.12.2002
grr!
blogger is driving me up the wall right now! it's had this problem with the template loading and now it's losing one month of my archives. grr.
01:22
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11.11.2002
the v-club
from sydney morning herald:
Virgin renaissance
November 8 2002
Whether for religious or secular reasons, in a world awash with sex, celibacy is a growing trend. Rebecca Fowler reports.
21:37
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train ride
was telling him about the tournament this weekend and how some harvard chick was all whiny and even though she beat me, it was the best fight of my life and things just clicked. was telling me about how he used to have tournaments at upenn also and ate at the food court down the street all the time. hey, me too, i say. with the starbucks and the pretzel place and the cheesesteaks! ha! density?
21:33
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crazy squirrels
from cnn:Squirrel terrorizes British town
Thursday, November 7, 2002 Posted: 2:06 PM EST
LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A squirrel is spreading terror in a Cheshire town where it keeps attacking people.
Its latest victim was a two-year-old girl, British newspapers reported on Thursday.
Children have been attacked, grown men chased and residents of Knutsford, central England, are fearful of letting their kids out to play, the Times newspaper said.
The rogue squirrel's latest attack was on toddler Kelsi Morley who was bitten on the forehead.
"It was awful because she (Kelsi) was spinning around and we couldn't get it off," her mother told the newspaper.
"From the amount of blood there was, I thought it had taken Kelsi's eye out."
The squirrel eventually let go and the terrified youngster was rushed to a doctor.
Colin Booty, a senior scientific officer in the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said it was very unusual for a squirrel to behave like this.
Local resident Blanche Kellye said the problem was not funny. "Everyone round here is living in fear...it's a vicious little thing. I'll never trust squirrels again."
21:32
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me
i've been perusing some message boards put up by various taekwondo teams in our league and it seems that i've been referred to as the "green belt monster" and described as "gargantuan". you know, just cuz you're fat, doesn't mean you're bad. theoretically, the bigger you are, the slower. 'tis not necessarily the case with me, i guess.
we had our second tournament of the season yesterday at upenn. i had three fights, won one of them. the other two were against the same girl from harvard. she is one of the best fighters in our league and is now a black stripe, a step away from a black belt. and i think she's been fighting for four years. well, the first fight i lost 6-3 or something like that; they gave her a head shot she didn't earn b/c she hit me in the shoulder but i moved my head so alas. but when i met her the second time, it was the brawl of the century (for me)! the best fight of my career, folks, and i'm proud of the result. we battled to a 1-1 draw after the first round, and then partway through the second, i was down 4-2, after a 2-point headshot, but in the last 45 seconds or so powered back to a 4-4 tie. the crowd was wild! i freaked out and threw my mouthguard down because i was just so freaking excited that i had TIED IT! folks, i've been doing this for a year and i held my own! in the end, the judges gave it to her, but i know for a fact that at least one out of the four voted for me, so i did well. it's too bad i didn't get to earn more points for the team, but man, i feel good! i was faking the girl out left and right. oh shit, i'm still walking with my head up a little higher today.
in other news, i am 2/3 of the way to getting my iPod. i've upgraded to windows xp, to the chagrin of my dsl connection, which no longer seems to work. now i just need to wait for the computer store to open so i can buy my iPod. and we all know how things seem to come faster when we sleep through the wait. so g'night world.
03:13
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11.07.2002
encouragement?
it seems that all my friends are getting with someone. and of course after you get someone, other interested parties start coming out of the woodwork. but me, alls i got is some wah with some people. one in new zealand (i think and hope) and some schmoe in baltimore. and maybe my next-desk neighbor (i really hope) but we'll see about that tomorrow. here is what my friend said to put a positive spin on my predicament:
:-) i think it's cool to have weirdness all over the world. you're like a sailor
- you've got a man in every port. hahaha
oh gracie. you silly.
15:46
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one down, two to go
i got the firewire card today on my way home from work. now just need xp upgrade and the iPod and then i'll be one happy bee....
01:15
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11.06.2002
almost mended
my pseudo-ex emailed me. pseudo b/c he was never really my boyfriend. the whole time we were together and i was giving him head, he never emailed me once. he emailed me today to gloat about the election results. he's a hardcore republican and i'm a democrat and we used to have partisan discussions about political topics. they were never very serious, i guess, although we both felt strongly about our party affiliations. but today i check my old email account and there's a gloating email from him, preceded by words conveying a sentiment of checking on and seeing how i was doing, since we hadn't spoken in a while.
the thing is, late last winter, i emailed him, after having an inconclusive phone conversation, saying that i didn't want to talk to him anymore. it was too painful and i needed to move on, and i was putting way too much of myself into him, given how not serious he was about me. "i'm a 22 year old guy and i want to be a 22 year old guy," he said. and that was that. but then he phoned in july, out of the blue, and i kind of freaked out. i was worried that something happened but when i called him back -- my cell was getting bad reception -- he was just saying hi. it was a very awkward conversation and i got the feeling that he didn't quite understand the 'well, this is goodbye' thing.
but that was july and it's now november. i've been thinking about him a lot because whenever i do taekwondo i think about him, and i've been wanting to check in on him, too, and tell him about my impending travels to new zealand. but for some reason, this email, as welcome as it should have been, has really put me out of sorts. i've been kind of funky and depressed all day. t.d.r. says he is thinking of the upcoming holiday season and his upcoming drive through nyc on the way to maine and the possiblity of a little hook-up-stopover. that makes me feel dirty. but maybe it's nicer than that. not that i'm going to go running back to him and what little he can offer. but it'd make me feel less dirty about things.
i don't like to play the game, but i'm going to here. he's just going to have to wait to hear from me. i'm thinking a week.
18:29
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more weird but definitely true
chewing cherry flavored trident gum, drinking orange juice and then sipping coffee makes my mouth taste like hot dogs.
15:44
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weird but true?
a sri lankan man breastfeeds his child...see story here.
10:46
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11.05.2002
alternate universe
why can't i say: i like you. do you like me? no? ok let's go on as friends. yes? great, can i kiss you?
why can't i just grab him and make out with him in the bathroom. send him emails as he sits at the desk 2 feet from me. call him and tell him that i'd like to sleep in in the mornings with him. that just thinking of what he does, the good he is trying to do and is motivated to do and sees in his heart is necessary to do makes him one of the best people in the world to me. that i want to be there for him and support him, be on his sidelines cheering. and similarly, i want him on mine cheering for me. these feelings are silly, i know, since i barely know him.
oh whatever. i have a stupid homework thing to do ergh. why do i always start my homework at 2am? it's like being back in undergraduate again. sigh.
02:29
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11.04.2002
nkotb
long before n*sync and long after the jackson 5, there was new kids on the block, the boy band of my generation. they're all grown up now, and then some. my fave, joey joe, is now playing a teacher on boston public. donnie played the guy who kills bruce willis in sixth sense and is now on the acclaimed nbc show boomtown. is this in some completely convoluted, unrelated way what it was like for people to see ronald reagan become president? yeah, i didn't really think so either.
20:11
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windows v. pc
when i got my laptop last year, i thought it was going to be great, everything i would ever need for the rest of my life. but now i want to buy an mp3 player and the iPod is really the best deal. however, before i dish out the $369 bucks for the 10GB iPod, i have to buy an $80 firewire card and upgrade my windows 98 to 2000 or XP. i'm thinking right now that i'd rather buy an iMac and toss my dell out the fucking window. but then it'd probably land on someone's head and i'd be sued and out even more money. alas. what to do?
11:45
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back
back from puerto rico. am just a little bit darker from spending one afternoon on the beach, all slathered in sunscreen. it was a good time. the tropical weather was just what i wanted. the taekwondo competition could have been a bit better. there was only one other girl in my division. i beat her 1-0 but she tried to cry her way into a dual gold medal as if suddenly the competition had turned into olympic figure skating. what a freaking cry-baby. she kicked me in the head in the first few seconds of the first round but it didn't get scored and after they had already handed out the medals she starts crying about it and holds up the ring for like 10 minutes. at first i felt badly because she was crying and she was pretty tough and she did kick me in the head. but then later i realized that she was being a total pussy. it happens all the time that we get kicks that aren't scored. hell, i had one solid one on her that wasn't scored. i don't feel badly about it at all anymore and in fact, i think she's a total pussy and crybaby. she was whining that one of the reasons she wanted the win was because her boyfriend was there and they had just been fighting about how he didn't want to see her lose. give me a fucking break. take up stripdancing if you're going to do something for your boyfriend you stupid bitch. grr.
i was feeling down about the whole thing at first because i felt like my victory was tarnished and i was leaving p.r. with a tainted win and i started to doubt myself. and i started to remember all the bad things about tkd, how competition makes me insecure and blahblahblah. but then i realized all the above and i felt better but man i'd still love to have the opportunity to go out there and kick her ass one more time, and much more solidly.
but today is monday and monday is the day i tutor in the bronx and that is a good thing.
09:55
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