6.06.2003
the plunge
sometimes i just want to take the plunge and do it for a guy. just make a risky decision that will put me in a situation where i can actually explore a relationship with a guy. because i think what my pattern of only getting involved with guys right before i leave a place means is i'm afraid of commitment, afraid of rejection, afraid of finding and falling for the wrong guy. so if i get with someone at a time when i know it's impossible for it to continue very seriously, meaning we'll soon be separated by great geographical distances, then i can have the fun of romance and stuff without the risks.
but maybe it's time i bit the bullet and opened myself up to true romance, to true dating, instead of these whacked out soap opera situations i get myself into. the question is, is this the one i should take that risk with? probably not, i mean besides the age thing (SIX YEARS' DIFFERENCE!), there's the alcohol thing. but gosh darn it he really is sweet.
i think deep down inside i do know that this isn't meant to be, that this was just a distraction, a way to satisfy my romantic needs. because i'm looking for much more than he can give. and whilst i care about him, and feel a very motherly urge towards him, i do not want to spend my life taking care of someone, supporting someone as he achieves his potential. well, yeah i do, but i want someone who can do that for me simultaneously. and i don't think wanting to get me high/drunk/in any altered state is really helping me achieve my potential.
ahh, the clarity of the sick at late hours.
06:36
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bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
