bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
been there and back again. too many thoughts and opinions and hormones get me in trouble.
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10.31.2002
another peril of old age
i just haven't been able to stay up late like i used to. at around 3am, i totally pass out. this is not going to work since i have to meet the cab to the airport at 5am. at least tomorrow afternoon i'll be on the beach.
02:01
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10.30.2002
sunscreen in winter
do you know how hard it is to buy sunscreen in new york on all hallow's eve? why do i need sunscreen, you ask? because i'm off to puerto rico in the a.m. whoo!
19:30
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10.28.2002
new york city real estate
my next door neighbor moved out a few months ago to take an architecture job in LA. she's loving the beaches apparently. she was living in a unit that hasn't been renovated since 1960 i'm guessing. they've started renovating it now. the banging and noise and the inevitable dust and crap. oh dear god. and when they're done they'll rent it for over $1300, not quite worth it for less than 200 s.f. of space.
10:07
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t.d.r.
my best friend in the world is a raging homosexual. ok, he's not that raging b/c it seems that most people don't know he's gay. but he's on the left coast wooing a new boy. and, in his words, this isn't one where he's going to sleep with him BEFORE getting to know him. i'm so proud my little t.d.r. is all grown up.
no but really i'm happy for him. truly truly happy, you hear? love is a-bloomin. sigh. it must be spring. oh wait. my titties are about to freeze off. it must be winter.
01:34
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10.27.2002
moving back
in the three weeks since i last drove my car, the air has leaked out of my right front tire. i didn't know this as i pulled out of the garage at our empty for-sale house in new jersey. a block away i realize my car is making a funny noise and i pull over in this quiet neighborhood, down the street from where my friend lived, and where i used to go after school all the time. there is a guy and his son playing catch outside. it is a nice brisk fall afternoon. as i start to pull the spare and jack out of my trunk, he comes over and helps. sure, i'm a girl who drives a little toy car of a ford focus. but i'm capable. still, i totally appreciated his help. and i thought he set a great example for his son. really. so i totally appreciated it.
i found out today that if my parents don't sell the house by december, when the contract with the realtor is up, they are going to move back. sweet. it made me all warm and fuzzy and sentimental inside. hopefully i'll be in new zealand when they move.
my parents are also opening a new business. a karaoke bar. it should be open dec 18. sweet. just in time to host a going away party for me! when i was at home today, i crawled onto the couch with my mom and laid next to her as i told her all about my crush. she was much more excited this time -- being as he went to a very reputable college and etc etc -- than the time i told her about my crush on my tkd instructor -- who was 21 and it turned out, didn't even graduate junior high. i found out my mom's dream today: that i marry by the time i'm 30. i swear sometimes she makes me want to pull my hair out. strand by strand. until i'm bald.
21:46
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10.26.2002
cue the music
i feel friendship a-bloomin. :-D
the new york rangers are sucking it big time. 6-2 loss to the kings. MOTHER FUCKER. REFUND! REFUND! REFUND!
00:07
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10.24.2002
ugh
so i asked a boy out that i didn't really like but who i didn't think was going to turn me down. well he turned me down. and was kind of pompous about it too. ha! turns out he has a sig. other but then why the fuck with the flirting? anyhow, still feel a bit dumb for being turned down. i just really really needed someone to go to a hockey game with me. turns out, i got a better deal. a friend of mine from college who is at yale law school is going to come down and go with me. he's from LA, so he can appreciate the kings. and when we were in school, we, along with one other friend, had a 3-year kings vs. rangers series going. rangers won that one ... and haven't won much since. grr. but now i'm uber-excited and don't have to worry about being on a date or with someone i don't know so well.
20:26
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conundrum
am i out of his league or is he out of mine? the issue is moot. we are not fit for each other. and i mean that physically...
01:11
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toodles
a co-worker of mine -- although since i'm the intern i guess he's not really a co-anything since he's a full time employee. anyhow, my point is that this guy is leaving the place of my internment. (heh heh.) he's taking a part time job but also dedicating more time to his event planning/gaming experience company called cityHunt. check them out. and that's a shout out to jaymes.
00:40
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10.22.2002
got homework?
need to procrastinate? well, there's always muffinfilms, about those delectable bakery treats. now we have, courtesy of my friend alvin, ninjafilms, or ninjai: the little ninja. at a few points they do appear to be kind of amateur and tedious, but really overall, i'm finding myself thoroughly amused by them. watch out for some bad language and a lot of blood and body parts being hacked off. and some really really annoying inconsistent and nasally accents. no, really, they're good.
01:27
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day one
today was my first day of the least selfless tutoring i've ever done in my life. and i managed to crawl all over the desks 10 minutes after the director was telling the kids to respect the university property. oh me.
it's amazing that kids are so impressionable and they really have a lifetime ahead of them to become who they are. i do at 25, too. but sometimes you can look at kids and they wear their personalities on their sleeves. there isn't much pretending with them. they are who they are and when they pretend, you can see through that too. not that this is a bad thing. i think it's just about kids being innocent, even if they aren't that that innocent. they're 10. give 'em a few years and they'll turn into the hardened, cynical bitter people that resemble us "grown-ups".
i know i'm going to get really fond of these kids, even tho' i see them only one afternoon a week. and it's going to be sad to leave them. just as it was sad to leave the kids in the afterschool program at kim's karate in baltimore. hey wait...why am i always saying yes when boys ask me to work with kids?
00:41
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10.21.2002
pain
i hurt all over.
taekwondo is an awesome sport but you know that the day after a tournament you're going to be in pain. our tournament yesterday, which we held at john jay college because our own school screwed us over, started at 7:30 for set-up. i got home at 9:30pm. and because i was fighting on three teams, i was going pretty much all day. my hand hurts, my feet hurt, my left knee hurts, my right shin hurts, my back hurts...i'm much much too old for this, but god almighty it sure is fun!!!
09:56
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10.20.2002
oh no
i've been poring over the postcard and it has two slightly disconcerting spelling errors. maybe he's not the brightest bulb on the block. ahh who cares. he's hot. meeee-owwww!
23:36
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10.19.2002
HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!!!
if you've been keeping up with me, which i know you haven't because you don't exist, you may know that before i left to work at camp this summer, i mailed a letter to a certain someone in new zealand who flew a light plane in which i rode. i didn't know his last name but i threw a note in an envelope with a few pictures and let the international postal gods take care of the rest.
i pretty much gave up on getting a reply when two months had past but here we are at nearly the four month mark and lo and fucking behold, a mysterious postcard arrives in my mailbox from mitch of the mountain and birds. oh my god, i yelled repeatedly as i ran up the stairs so i could get home to share the news with my friends.
oh my god.
14:51
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10.18.2002
so tired!
10.5 hours. that's how many hours i worked today and put on my time sheet. and i'm still not done. just have to craft an intro to the piece i was working on. it was a bit research heavy so it took me a while.
the only good thing is that instead of waiting five days, now i only have to wait three to see my crush. sigh. our eyes will meet over the heads of the junior high kids and violins will start playing and birds chirping. butterflies and doves will fly out of nowhere...
i am so hungry.
22:09
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10.17.2002
10 + 1 digit dialing
nyc, starting feb 1, 2003, is going to 11 digit dialing. even in the same area code you'll have to dial 1 + area code + number. something to do with overlays and FCC laws. meh.
21:54
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gum, there's gum on my seat. gum!
i have a compulsive gum chewing problem.
16:44
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boys are such mysteries
i do not understand boys. after fights where they seemingly claw each other's eyes out, they'll hug and laugh together. and then sometimes when guys talk to you, they do this weird touching themselves thing. no, not down there, although i can think of some people who have that problem. it's more the standing there and leaning against something and trying to figure out what to do with the other hand so they try the pocket and then that doesn't quite fit so they lean it on what the other hand is leaning on and that doesn't quite work so they kind of stretch and put it behind their head like they're scratching their backs. boys. meh.
01:17
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10.16.2002
oh what a day
the bliss, oh the bliss of seeing my crush! oh the even greater bliss of talking with him!!
was quite a busy day at work. one of the things i did was schedule an interview with a european astronomer for friday. it's at 10:30 am european time. yes. do look twice. that makes it 4 fucking 30 in the morning nyc time. god almighty. and i'm supposed to go out thursday night and party with the tkd kids. well i guess i will and i'll stay up all night. let's do the interview drunk, i say!
19:38
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yesterday
there seem to be some blogger problems. i wanted to post this over half an hour ago, when it was still october 15. october 15 marked the halfway point for me between 25 and 26. ugh.
in brighter news, tomorrow (today) is wednesday, which means i go into the office, which means i get to be completely distracted at work. heh heh.
00:40
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10.15.2002
quack quack
duct tape rules! from the nytimes
Treatments: For Warts, the Duct Tape Cure
By JOHN O'NEIL
In article being published today adds one more item to the list of uses for duct tape. Now, it turns out, it helps get rid of warts.
The recommended technique does not involve ripping, and in fact was investigated by Dr. Dean R. Focht III and colleagues at the Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma, Wash., as a less painful alternative to the practice of briefly freezing warts, which are most common in children.
In the study, published in The Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, Dr. Focht found that warts disappeared for 85 percent — 22 of 26 children and young adults treated with duct tape — compared with 60 percent of a similar group treated with cold.
The duct tape was cut to fit over the wart, Dr. Focht said. Once a week, the tape was removed and replaced after the wart was rasped clean with an emery board or pumice stone.
Dr. Focht said he believed the tape worked in the same way that most other wart treatments work — by irritating the skin, thereby stimulating an immune system response that wiped out the viral infection that had caused the wart.
He said that children with warts should see their doctors to make sure the growths are actually warts.
After that, he said, simply waiting for the wart to disappear is one option. But if the parents want to treat it, he said, duct tape "is a great, simple option."
02:51
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10.14.2002
fabulous
just got back from dinner for a friend's birthday. went to lips, where the waiters are fabulous and do the tuck-and-hide and look better in those dresses and have nicer legs than i. quite an evening. their fabulousness made me seriously overtip. oh well. time for homework. why is it that i have class one day a week and STILL can't get ahead on my homework. sheesh.
23:08
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sigh
those moments between seeing, those moments between meeting, seem so empty.
i swear there was a song written about this.
i hate having crushes. loss of control. misery. all twisted up inside like it's a disease.
12:29
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funny shit
clickety-click
12:24
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guts
today i am experiencing an overwhelming sense that i've made the wrong decision to go to new zealand. i think i'm going to throw up...or maybe i just ate bad eggs.
12:00
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who cares about me
i'm sure you have all heard about the bomb blast in bali. here is a news story about it, if not. i have nothing to say that has not been said. i have nothing to say that will change or soothe anything. i just want to acknowledge the tragedy here, in this little snippet of history and say that this world is sad. faith, my friends, faith.
01:49
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10.13.2002
kids
slowly, oh so slowly, and against all my control, i think i'm really falling for someone. and all it really takes is that he has compassion for children, is interested in their well-being, and wants to do something for some who live in the bronx. it's unbelievable, really. ok, yeah, he's kind of cute, but to be honest, he's also shorter than i, which is kind of a turn-off, but the kids thing really, really makes up for it.
i don't want to have kids of my own, in all honesty. i look around and see how shitty of a world we live in and i cannot bear bringing more, of my own faulty flesh and blood nonetheless, into this world. but i want to do my damndest to help those who, without a choice, are put in this world. so while it's true that i might be doing some volunteer work to get closer to this guy, i can't deny the fact that i will (hopefully) be doing some good. and i was looking to do some volunteer work and this opportunity presented itself.
but i'm kind of off point. about this guy. and his compassion for kids. it speaks to a deeper character, i think. to me, it reflects an inner desire to do good, to love kids, who can be so helpless and needy. i can't really put it into words that are eloquent enough. i'm just sort of moved when i think about it. i get this topsy-turvy, flippy-floppy feeling in my stomach. and when i sit next to him at work, gosh darn it, it sure is hard to concentrate.
all from one fateful day at the water cooler.
23:43
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not much to say now, huh, diana?
i am either lacking the time or material to update this blog.
so there's this guy in montana who is running for senate who turned himself blue, literally blue, by taking some homemade concoction to protect against Y2K stuff (remember that?!). but don't take my word for it. check out the story and an incredibly funny picture here.
23:31
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10.11.2002
irony
i didn't want to be chained to my computer. that was what i wrote for my essay to get into journalism graduate school, leaving behind my astronomy research career. yet here i find myself, again, chained to a computer.
15:26
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sunk
a new low: doing volunteer work for a boy. ugh.
01:54
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10.08.2002
replacements
arts and letters daily is now defunct. i have changed my home page to google news, which is supposed to be a pretty good site, tho' it's still working out some kinks.
22:54
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10.07.2002
missed fate?
2:30 this morning my phone rings. i am in bed. very exhausted from recovering from my hangover. after four rings, i decide to take the call and as i pick up, so does my machine. i say, "hello?" the male voice on the other end says, "di, guess who this is?" now, this person knows my name so you'd think that i know him, but actually, i say my name on my answering machine message so he could have gotten it from there.
i look at the caller id and it says "unknown caller". i start going through the possibilities but all i can say," who is this?" he replies, "guess". i ask again for the caller to identify himself and again he tells me to guess. i cannot bring up any viable options and i'm kind of freaking out in two ways. maybe it's a weird sexual deviant, maybe it's someone coming to rescue me from the tediousness of my life. in my flustered and exhausted state, all i can do is say, "it's 2:30 in the morning. tell me who this is". and he hangs up.
i return to my interrupted reclining state and i start wondering. was it someone real? was it one of those people i met who perhaps was as enchanted with me as i was with him and he did due diligence on me and found me? well then it'd be kind of rude to call at 2:30 in the morning. perhaps it was someone who found my friend's lost cell phone and called looking for someone to play sexual phone games, have phone sex, something lewd that i'm not into. it's odd that the name didn't show up on caller id because that leads me to think this is less innocent. but then my silly romantic pathetic little brain keeps going back to the first possibility, that i have forever altered the course of my life, missing true love.
eh, well, he should have been able to stand up to my seemingly defiant demand, which really was only masking my flustered and intimidated state.
i guess i will never know.
update: so all day this phone call has put me off. i know it's not much, but it was a little weird. and it's making me recall all the people i have met, like two ships passing in the night, all the way from nasty firemen to texans who swept me off my feet. most unhealthy and slightly off-putting. but i did see igby goes down. great movie.
13:11
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10.04.2002
disappointments
isn't it sad when you expect to see someone somewhere, sometime and the s/he's not there, then? kinda ruins one's day.
13:52
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an email rant
this is like a fucked up laurel and hardy routine.
i hate my family. i swear my two brothers do no have half a brain between them. my oldest brother, who was driving, has been to my apartment at least once before. my other brother, david, calls me and is like where do you live? 9th street and first ave, #341. he's like, ok, what's the number? i say 341 and he asks ok, what's the number? and i say it again, and then three more times and then he's like, oh, i think i got it now. 341 on 9th ave. i'm like no, 9th st. by first ave. he's like, oh ok.
then he calls and is like i'm downstairs and i say, ring the buzzer i'll let you in. he's like, i have to get the luggage out of my car. after a few minutes, i'm like, what the hell is keeping him and there's no one outside. i call danny and he doesn't answer and then i call again and he answers and i'm like, where are you? he's like, i'm going home. where's david? i left him at 431. WHAT? yeah, 431? what the fuck?! he's been here before and he didn't fucking OPEN HIS BIG FAT EYES and notice that it wasn't my apartment? so i go downstairs to look for him and walk down the block and back in my pajamas and i can't find dave at 431. i ask a girl and she's like, he went that way. halfway back to my apartment i see my brother on the corner pushing the handles on his rolly bags down in frustration. and i'm like dave! he starts walking towards me and i'm pissed because he's just so fucking dumb and i'm like, i live the other way, stay there. so i take one of his suitcases (he has two for a ten day trip, and these are big bags. makes me curious but not so curious cuz i wonder if i'd end up in jail if i got too curious). we get to my apartment and he asks if i know how to take the subway and i'm like, uhh, it takes a long time why don't you just take a call taxi and he's like it's too expensive. look, a call taxi to jfk at 6 am isn't much. then i'm like, we'll look it up.
and we're walking up the stairs and he asks me if i have class. no. i have work. where do you work? for a website. oh yeah? what do you do? i write. like little articles? yes. (i guess 2000 word articles can be "little".) I'm not saying much cuz i'm pissed that he's so dumb. i told him 341 FIFTEEN times and he still got it fucking wrong. i mean really.
so the next thing he asks is, it isn't for a gay and lesbian thing is it? and i yell at him. no what the fuck kind of question is that? he's all, i was joking. it wasn't funny, i say. so we get to my place and he throws his bag down cuz he's immature and angry i yelled at him even though he's the one with no sense and a stupid idea of humor. i mean what the fuck?! he's got this weird fascination with lesbians, is probably totally homophobic, and at several points in his life thought i was gay b/c of my things with girl scouts and my gay friends. that stupid joke of his was rooted in like 27 years of ignorance and idiocy and stupidity.
so then he looks at my subway map and writes shit down and is like, i'm leaving. meanwhile my mom calls and she's like your brother is looking for you and i'm like i found him. (he fucking called home the stupid idiot baby) then she's like, well he has a bag for you of stuff and your rent check. and i ask dave and he's all like hell no mom didn't give me anything. really, that's a quote, without quotation marks. he said, hell no mom didn't give me anything. as if he needed to be so bold. anyhow, it turns out she gave the bag to my OTHER brother, the FAT stupid one, not the ignorant, good for nothing stupid one, and he has so much fat blocking his brain cells he forgot.
my mom says she'll get it to me saturday. and i hate the way she just assumes that i'll be around. like i don't have a life. like i don't have a taekwondo tournament slated for that day. at west point. i'm just gonna go and get my ass kicked by a black belt or two and then come home. and then get rip-roaring drunk with some law kids. but anyhow, i digress.
and then my brother leaves. his flight doesn't leave for 6 hours. and i don't fucking care. and you know, it's more than the ignorance thing. not much more, but more. i know for a fact, well, i have a sneaking suspicion that my parents have thought i was gay at some point in my life. i swear, when i told my mom that i had a crush on jimmy, she nearly flipped her lid with joy...before warning me she didn't think i should marry him because really i should be with someone more academic. again, i digress. it doesn't bug me that they think i'm gay. it bugs me that they're so ignorant that they would have such thoughts. and it really really bugs me that they take things so near and dear to me, camp and girl scouts, and twist them. because that's also what was at the root of my brother's comment. girl scouts and camp especially are part of what kept me from being as fucked up as the rest of my family and it makes me so angry and sensitive when they are so easy to degrade it and make it a joke or whatever. because i do hold it dear to me.
at least i get peace and quiet to write my article.
maybe i should get hitched in new zealand after all. that's about as far away as i can get without leaving the planet.
02:40
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free associating in class: dinner
i never understood why people like breakfast for dinner,
why they think it's a treat to eat pancakes and sausage
in the evening. if they like it so much, why don't they
just make it whenever they want? because really, no
one made a rule stipulating that pancakes had to
be a breakfast food. well, i guess that's why people eat
pancakes for dinner sometimes, because there is no rule.
maybe my issue is with pancakes, not with the timing of
eating them. i don't like pancakes. i don't like waffles or
french toast either because of the syrup, i think. i much
prefer eggs for breakfast. yummy salt. occassionally i
like cereal too. i guess sometimes i eat cereal for dinner
(and lunch too, but not all in one day). so i do partake of
traditional breakfast foods at the dinner hour after all. but
that doesn't mean i like it.
usually when i eat cereal for dinner it means i'm too busy
for a real meal, or there's nothing else in my refrigerator and
i'm too lazy to do anything about it. if i could choose
anything for dinner, i think it'd be something my mom made.
i swear, everything she cooks is good. my second choice
for dinner would be korean food. i love korean food.
no, i'm not korean. everyone, it seems, makes that mistake.
especially koreans. i guess it's better than being asked, in
an elevator, where "my people" are from.
when people ask me that kind of question -- where i'm from --
knowing they want an answer like china, i innocently reply,
"new jersey".
01:12
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10.03.2002
sightings
famous people i've seen in unexpected places:
chris noth -- walking in the middle of the street
marisa tomei
margaret cho
tiffani amber thiessen
mark paul gosselar and dennis franz -- filming near my apartment
bradley whitford -- in DC, filming west wing
more as soon as i knock my memory back in...
19:16
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wrinkle
so i've done my due diligence on him. the problem now is extrapolating all the information from him that i already know so i don't slip and let on that i know more about him than i already do. good thing he's not very suspicious or he probably would have caught on already now. this is a game. it's a game! this game will end as soon as i can verify that he has a girlfriend. i got a bit suspicious today... sometimes, no matter how much due diligence you do, you can't know everything.
19:09
(0) comments
10.01.2002
winner!
the guardian, yes, the uk paper, was running a contest on the best UK blog. and the winner is ... Scaryduck!! congrats, and check it out. it's gotta be pretty good, you think? and now, quite popular as well.
01:04
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guitar chords
if y'all are looking for guitar chords for your inner rock star, a great resource is olga.net. go there. search. rock out, dude.
01:00
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totally official
i've wired the last of the money owed to the folks at adventure education in tauranga, new zealand. the course dates are 20 january to 23 may. so it's totally official. WHOO!! AUGH. every once in a while i get a queasy feeling in my stomach because really i know i'm going to get homesick and probably miss my mom's cooking and miss my totally annoying family. but it'll be good and fun and quite an adventure and maybe get all the traveling/wanderlust out of my system.
but i think today i realized why i have such a hard time putting down roots. it has nothing to do with feeling old and settled down. i think it has to do with how i never really had roots growing up. i was reading an article, which incidentally was quite expertly written and very interesting, in today's nytimes about a community in louisiana where people just don't leave. basically when kids grow up they move, at most, like five miles away. and in the article was some statistic about how kids who grow up in families that move across state lines are more likely to do so themselves.
well let me tell you about me.
when i was one, i went to live with my aunt in taiwan. i came back, as i remember it, right before i started kindergarten. after a year there, we started living in new york city and i was commuting every day to a grade school in a town right outside the lincoln tunnel. (well, not literally...) i remember the guy who drove us worked at the parking lot next door to the building where we lived, which incidentally was above my parents' restaurant and was actually commercial space. for second grade we moved to that town outside the lincoln tunnel but i switched schools. then onto another nearby town for third and fourth grades -- at a catholic school, incidentally. my family is not even remotely catholic. after third grade, i was asking my parents if we were moving because i had gotten into this rhythm. finally, for fifth grade, we moved to a ritzy town in essex county, new jersey, where i lived until i went to college. my parents recently put that house on the market and it was quite tragic for me.
anyhow, my point is that if kids who move a lot are more likely to move when they grow up, well, it's all starting to make sense.
00:58
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