9.14.2003
the advantage of parents who own bars
i'm hung over.
10:39
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9.10.2003
from the dream of scipio by iain pears
throughout these pointless dalliances he was aware of a sense of avoiding something important, and his constant pursuits had less of the sensual and more of the desperate about them. for every time he was charmed or fascinated or smitten, he was made aware once more of part of him that was detached and that stood aside in disdain. he had no idea what he was looking for, except that he always knew that he had come close to unlocking a secret so deeply buried he might well have lived out his entire life without even suspecting its existence. it was why he was more than a little afraid of julia.
instead he occupied himself with those whom he could never be close to, or who could never be close to him, diversions high or low who had no interest in either his work or his pleasures. he invariably pursued those who were unattainable, married, or unlikely to regard him as anything other than a temporary entertainment. at one time he spent several months with a woman slightly younger than himself who worked in one of the great department stores that Rome was at last acquiring. when he bade a final farewell, he could not recall a single conversation he had ever had with her, not one remark that had struck him. afterward he seduced the wife of a notary a decade or so older than he was, listened carefully to her sadnesses and concerns, enjoyed her company, and took an odd pleasure at the necessary secrecy and subterfuge that enlivened an otherwise empty involvement. it was not insensitivity or cruelty that meant that, some months afterward, he could barely remember her name; both were of the moment, and their moment had passed.
he knew, of course, that not loving them was part of the attraction; julia was the only one to whom he had ever responded in that manner and with her he had held back.
23:15
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9.09.2003
read this
being smart sometimes isn't enough. the moral of this story for me is to find a job.
11:42
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9.08.2003
weird dream
i dreamt last night that governor pataki died suddenly while on the toilet and i was with mayor bloomberg -- who oddly enough was his successor -- and some other people my age driving around in an old bus picking people up in iraq or some dusty place. i don't get it.
10:03
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8.30.2003
fixed
yeah for blogger and their upgrades and updates and all that. i've finally got the archive on this site working properly ... now you can all find the obnoxious/offensive posts on this blog and let's see what kind of trouble i can get myself into now. sigh.
otherwise, i'm living at home. yes, i'm 26 and living with my parents. it's great b/c they pay for a lot of stuff (dsl, phone, etc) which gives me a great opportunity to save money. on the other hand, they treat me with very little respect. i don't know if it's them or asian households, but they treat me like their personal servant, like i have no life of my own, like i can do whatever they need whenever they need. and then they tell me to get a "real job". fockers.
enough. just writing about it here makes my blood pressure rise. and we have a history of hypertension in this family. i'll just keep thinking about all the money i can save, and how that will get me to new zealand faster. because that, my friends, is what i think i want.
19:57
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6.06.2003
the plunge
sometimes i just want to take the plunge and do it for a guy. just make a risky decision that will put me in a situation where i can actually explore a relationship with a guy. because i think what my pattern of only getting involved with guys right before i leave a place means is i'm afraid of commitment, afraid of rejection, afraid of finding and falling for the wrong guy. so if i get with someone at a time when i know it's impossible for it to continue very seriously, meaning we'll soon be separated by great geographical distances, then i can have the fun of romance and stuff without the risks.
but maybe it's time i bit the bullet and opened myself up to true romance, to true dating, instead of these whacked out soap opera situations i get myself into. the question is, is this the one i should take that risk with? probably not, i mean besides the age thing (SIX YEARS' DIFFERENCE!), there's the alcohol thing. but gosh darn it he really is sweet.
i think deep down inside i do know that this isn't meant to be, that this was just a distraction, a way to satisfy my romantic needs. because i'm looking for much more than he can give. and whilst i care about him, and feel a very motherly urge towards him, i do not want to spend my life taking care of someone, supporting someone as he achieves his potential. well, yeah i do, but i want someone who can do that for me simultaneously. and i don't think wanting to get me high/drunk/in any altered state is really helping me achieve my potential.
ahh, the clarity of the sick at late hours.
06:36
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6.03.2003
back to jersey pride
i must confess that i've been telling everyone here that i'm from new york city. i guess it depends on what they mean by "where you're from", but it's heaps easier to say nyc than new jersey. but now that i'm going back to the states, i'm going to reclaim my proper jersey roots. and to help in doing that ...
fun jersey facts for your enjoyment and reading pleasure
New Jersey is a peninsula.
Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida.
New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas.
New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky.
New Jersey has the oldest lighthouse in the USA. The Sandy Hook Lighthouse was built in 1764.
New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq. mi.) than Havana, Cuba.
New Jersey has the most dense system of highways and railroads in the US.
New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the Diner Capital of the World.
North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius.
New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.
The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.
New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns, some of the nations' most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch & Cape May.
New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for Water Quality Control than any other seaboard state in the entire country.
New Jersey is a leading industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy.
New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production.
Here's to New Jersey-the toast of the country! In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken.
New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah in 1940, and he still lives there!
New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80% of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first.
New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports at Newark International.
George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington.
The light bulb, phonograph (record player), and motion picture projector were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ laboratory. We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs.
The transistor was invented in Murray Hill, NJ at Bell Laboratories.
Bell Lab engineers in Holmdel, NJ were the first to detect the background radiation of the Big Bang.
The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ.
The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ.
The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ.
New Jersey is home to the Miss America pageant held in Atlantic City.
The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on their playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City.
Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world.
New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries.
The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains.
New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world.
New Jersey had the first Medical Center, in Jersey City.
The Pulaski Sky Way, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway-highway.
NJ built the first auto tunnel under a river, the Hudson. (Holland Tunnel)
New Jersey is the only state in the nation which offers child abuse prevention workshops to every public school.
The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra.
The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889. (Rutgers College played Princeton.)
The first Drive-in Movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ.
New Jersey is home to both of "New York's " Pro Football Teams!
The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ.
All New Jersey natives:
Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifa, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnely, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Richard Wojewodzki, Joyce Kilmer,
Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T ,Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsyth, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm. Halsey, Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, and of course, Frank Sinatra
08:49
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5.30.2003
back to usual
this one IS going to be boy-related...
i can't sleep because i'm a bit out of sorts and the wind is howling so bad i swear we're going to get blown off the face of this earth. i'm exhausted and my eyelids are droopy but i'm sitting in front of this computer.
i go home, back to the states, away from this new zealand place, in about two weeks. and yet again, predictably, i've gotten myself into a romantic tanglement. one 20-year-old wasn't enough, so i ran to the arms of a kiwi. it's been over a month since we first got involved and it's been a pretty bumpy road. but i'm starting to grow fond of him, and appreciate his goodness and kindness and sweetness. and yet, i have this sinking feeling that if i weren't leaving, i would never have gotten involved with him in the first place.
if you asked harsha, this astrologer i consulted a few weeks ago out of sheer desperation, it's because i'm trying to leave myself an out. i'm afraid of rejection yet also trying to assert myself after lifetimes (literally) of being in relationships where i was subservient and lost my identity to my partner. i'm not sure i buy the past life stuff, but i'm definitely afraid of rejection. maybe so much so that i'd prefer not to get involved in the first place. so true for most of us, no?
anyhow, it's late and i'm starting to lose sight of the point of this post, which probably there wasn't one to start with. :)
10:20
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5.07.2003
a lone post...
and this one's not boy-related.
from the nytimes: writing as a block for asians
keep your brain exercised and fit and maybe you won't be dumb like a squashed potato, as most people i'm surrounded by here seem to be.
03:59
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4.20.2003
.
memo to me: maybe it's time for older men.
07:01
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4.15.2003
leave it to me
leave it to me to have stumbled back into a pseudo-relationship i was trying to end...
as is typical of my life, two months before i leave new zealand, i have hooked up with a guy. a 20 year old, nonetheless. a guy from ireland, nonetheless. leave it to the two foreigners to get together, eh?
in all seriousness, i am very fond of him. which was part of the reason why i thought we shouldn't be together. i was actually trying to make a decision for my own long-term emotional health. but today, my birthday nonetheless, i think i stumbled back into it. when he asked, are we ok? i think i misunderstood the question. oh god, sometimes i think i don't deserve to get out of bed. but he is the nicest guy i've been with -- and i say that with much modesty -- in ages. instead of constantly letting me down, as the last few guys i've "been with" have, he continually surprises me with his maturity, intelligence, sensitivity and caring. sigh. i'm gonna be screwed when june rolls around.
08:58
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3.22.2003
euros not dollars for oil
it is an interesting experience being in another country while my own has started a war that most of the world does not support. in some ways, it almost makes me support it. but not quite.
i have heard that an australian journalist proposed that the reason the us has gone to war with iraq is because iraq recently started trading oil in euros, not dollars, and we are afraid of losing the power of the american dollar. i have neither a link to the story or substantiated any of these facts, but perhaps this is an interesting thing to think about and research. i will do what i can, but i have to say that being in this hole of a town called murupara all week is not conducive to online research. see my other blog if you want more details on murupara and the 10 year old lesbians i met.
19:08
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3.16.2003
happy st. pat's day
today was the first day back after a week's holiday, during which i went on a three day tramp in tongariro national park and up to the coromandel. i actually saw the ENTIRE coromandel peninsula, driving a total of about 1,200 km (700 miles). i camped on the very northernmost tip, right on the beach, at a place called fletcher bay. it was a nice week alone, away and around. we got into the rafting today, and instead of actually going out and doing it, we were in the classroom. for good reason, because one of the tutor's grandmother died, so it's all good, but i was very frustrated, for reasons i won't go into.
but maybe it's just my mood. word is getting out big time about my crush on my instructor. and i am starting to get that i-think-he-hates-me vibe (rather, the i-think-he-doesn't-know-what-to-do-with-me-because-of-my-crush vibe). argh, younger men.
so this is my obligatory update for a few weeks. for more regular/current info, check out my blog dedicated to new zealand at http://aspiringexpat.blogspot.com.
23:20
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3.01.2003
last to know
it turns out my scuba instructor, who i have a serious crush on, is actually seeing someone. and she is either a total bitch or he is madly in love with her because he is on a diet because of her. it makes sense because it was actually freaky how i never saw the guy eat. and while he's not morbidly obese, he's not "petite" either. but why am i the last to know? it's a cruel cruel world.
while his missus, as they say here, is blonde, and thus a natural focus of all my hate and anger, i still do not meddle in other people's relationships. andrew will have to see for himself how much better of a woman i am than some stupid blonde girl. :) actually, i am really just a jumble of emotions and desires. while i have been willing to use and abuse a few guys in my recent past (though in the end, i am the one who gets hurt, so it's all works out in the end, i suppose), i have no desire to do that with this guy, because i actually really like him. not that i didn't like these other guys, but this one is different. he is very very nice and kind and considerate. so i don't want to even remotely try to break them up, nor do i think i want him to choose me anyways. i'm leaving in three months. i don't want to complicate this guy's life. i don't want him to get caught up in my messy life. that's kindness, no?
anyhow, this blog is being seriously neglected. i put all of my updates on my other site: here.
in short, i'm loving the new zealand thing. the thing that's on my mind, though, is deciding what i want to do when this is over. i go back to the states on june 16 (God allowing, since my ticket is on United), and have a job for july and plans to drive cross-country in august. i want to stay in the states until at least october, since a good friend of mine just got engaged and he says that's when the wedding will be. a job has opened up at my old place of employment that is quite perfect. but i am also thinking of living in LA and NYC. and then there's this place. God, i am so happy here in new zealand. a lot of it has to do with being physical, which judith, the woman i board with who is also a pagan and quite into astrology, would chalk up to me being an aries. but it's also easy to be so active here. it's just what this country is all about, in some ways. i guess i could be active in the states, too, but there's something about this place...ahh, the wanderlust in me. ahh, the aspiring expat in me.
00:25
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2.26.2003
frustration
it was bound to happen. i am no longer content just to enjoy my crush and the little game of making him laugh and sneaking opportunities to flirt with him. i am now frustrated and want nothing more than to spend this rainy weekend indoors with him. oh no. this is when i start doing stupid things.
in other news, i locked my keys in the car yesterday while it was still running. it was halfway to overheating before the very fat man came and jimmied open the lock for me. i'm such an idiot.
23:00
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2.22.2003
drinking
i think i'm getting too old for this. i was over a friend's house last night and i had a bottle and a half of wine and i had to go to sleep. i was just so nauseous. and while you think that from drinking too much that this is normal, there was the feeling that i definitely was not doing as well as i normally do. this leaves me to wonder if new year's eve completely fucked me up or if i'm getting old or what. this is good, though. maybe i'm just growing out of drinking, finally, which would be a welcome relief.
00:45
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2.17.2003
milestone
my friend peter is engaged. i wish i had someone here to hug and share the news with and discuss it with, but the little pocket of joy that is now floating in my ethereal insides will have to suffice. today i said out loud that i don't want to go home. but peter's news made me want to. he is a dear friend. he is a pastor in michigan. he was a senior living on my hall my first year in college. we have been dear friends since. i love him and am so overjoyed for him. yippee!!
23:35
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1.25.2003
another update
i hope i still get to fiji, but i've just bought a car. yes, flitty me will be driving on the other side of the road, sitting in the other side of the car. it was pretty cheap, especially with the exchange rate, and i will use it to haul groceries and to explore this wee island/nation. i'm sharing the car with a friend i have made at the hostel. she's canadian and we were going to get a flat together but we thought we'd stay at the hostel in a double instead so we could have some privacy.
now, historically, i'm really bad at being a roommate and i'm optimistic that this situation will be better then my previous experiences b/c this is such a unique situation. but this girl, bless her heart, ain't the brightest and is 19, so i'm just hoping to be chill and laidback and optimistic and open.
in other news, i was mistaken for a maori today. the maori were the first to populate new zealand (aotearoa) and seem to have had a better go with living with the whities than the aborigines in australia. they're really a big part of the population and culture here, and it's pretty good to see. but for me, personally, it was interseting to be mistaken for a maori. some old biddy tried to speak to me in maori. let's see...that makes it korean, japanese, native american, maori and who knows what else. do i look that different or are people that ... confused? :)
05:27
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1.18.2003
update
he wrote, it was okay, but his ideas of "excitement" are way off, and he thinks he just KNOWS things, about what people think and want and how they're motivated, and he's just wrong.
but in other news, i'm here in tauranga, new zealand, at the hostel that will be my home for the next seven days. they've thankfully given me a room with no one else in it, so my suitcase can explode...until someone checks in. :) i start class in the morning at 9:30; i was told that one girl from iowa had paid the deposit to come for the course, too, but she backed out. so it's just me and a bunch of kiwis, i've heard of worse situations.
last night, we drove from the airport to tauranga, which is roughly a 3 hour trip. it was dark, it was late. i waited at the airport for three hours for my traveling companions, grr. i don't like traveling in new places at night because all the scenery gets muted. greys, blues and blacks instead of the multi-varied shades of the rainbow. alas. i'm sure i'll get to do the trip again at least a few more times. i'm thinking of going to FIJI on one of my weeks off. YIPPEEE! toodles.
17:34
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1.15.2003
assholes
life is too short for assholes. life is too short for guys who don't know how to communicate and be mature and discuss things. i thought 12,000 miles was going to let me get over things, and mostly i am, but there's a small part of me that can't. it didn't help that i dreamt about him alol last night.
in short, what i mean is i sent him an email just laying it out, how what he did sucked, how what i did wasn't phenomenal either, and i was doing this for closure. i wasn't expecting an immediate response but ... i dunno. time, diana, time.
i'm in sydney!! tomorrow i'm off to the blue mountains. i have a really bad farmer's tan but i care not.
04:31
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1.10.2003
HERE!
I'm here!!! I can't believe I'm here! It's been a hellacious trip, but I'm in Newcastle!! Check out my other blog here for a more detailed account.
04:27
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1.06.2003
confession
i have a guilty pleasure that is probably unhealthy for me: to live and date in new york; they're now on part 2. that scene is so not for me. neither is dating. but like a car accident, i can't turn away.
03:26
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a manifesto
from my journal
a friend told me to look at this experience as a sabbatical, and i think that is a good idea.
i am taking a break from american culture, from the fast life in new york city. from some friendships, from my family. from my baggage, from my screwups, from my career, from boys.
i will go and have fun, sleep plenty, rejuvenate my spirit and my faith in and relationship with God. i will learn more about this world, about New Zealand, about nature, scuba diving, sea kayaking, whitewater rafting and ropes. i will live simply for five months. i will communicate with my past solely through email and letters -- and an occasional phone call. i will start my novel or memoirs or screenplay or all of the above. i will find out who my real friends are. i will have regular bowel movements. i will exercise regularly and hopefully get to do taekwondo. i will keep abreast of current events. i will speak out against war in iraq. i will drive at least once. i will go camping. i will drink beer but will not puke on myself in the bathtub. i will make new friends. i will try to let go of anger and bitterness and be filled with compassion and love. i will be honest. i will communicate openly. i will renew my faith in the goodness of people. i will make new friends and great memories and i will make a decision on what i want to do with my life in september 2003. i will work on summer camp program and fulfill my obligations.
when i return i think i will try to live in one place for three years. i will enjoy mom's cooking. i will be more forgiving and understanding and less self-centered. i will be less frivolous. i will not be afraid of commitment and love and loss of control. i will not frown upon relationships, i will be open to God. i will trust in God and believe He has control and that the promise of good things is true.
and maybe, just maybe, i'll give this journalism thing a shot. and maybe i won't be afraid of freelancing. i will pray more. i will love my friends more. i will try to establish a community and go to church. i will act like a grown-up in life and responsibility but i will laugh as a child laughs -- quickly, easily, loudly. i will throw my head back and gawk at the tall buildings again. i will work at camp, be a good program director, leader, and friend. i will drive cross-country, visit friends, have fun, learn to surf, and drive back. i will dream, i will cry, i will scream. i will live.
01:44
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1.03.2003
100 things
there's this thing in blogging, it seems, where people compile a list of 100 things about themselves. here is mine.
14:46
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bubbly and lovely: i'm too poor for therapy.
